Can You Be Any More Present Than You Are Right Now?

Photo of Systemic Constellation by Natalia Blagoeva

When I first read Ram Dass’s book Be Here Now, I immediately turned it into a how to book. I believed I wasn’t ‘Here Now’ or at least not ‘Here Now’ enough. Through many of my spiritual searches I was admonished from time to time to “Get here, Heidi.” or told “You need to be more present.”

In fact, I could have titled this post “Five Ways to Be More Present” and many additional people would probably be reading this right now.

Now this makes me laugh- how the hell do you get any more present than you are in each moment?

It’s not that there isn’t effort- effort happens when it does. It’s the suffering we feel when we believe life should be heading in another direction from the way it is naturally occurring.

This brings to mind a story told by The Advaita teacher Ramesh Balsekar about an extremely serious meditator that was seeking enlightenment. He had “gotten up to”meditating over 12 hours per day. He was quite impressed with this achievement and was trying to get even more hours in to his day. He felt that that soon he would Be There. The problem? His ego was totaling running the show.

A lot of my musings in the Forest Dweller years have revolved around my apparent need to struggle in my life. Things weren’t good the way they were and it was up to me to change that.

Last week I shared that I was taking a ‘peculiar traveling suggestion’ and doing some work that I had found compelling. The session revolved around guidance in setting my family of origin into intuitive order.

For most of my life I have felt that I had a not quite up to snuff family. Half brothers, step-sisters- not a ‘real’ family. I remember telling people at my step-sister’s funeral not to even try to figure out our family relationships. It was just too convoluted.

By acknowledging the eight siblings I discovered- not the two I thought I had- I have begun to feel the Peace I have been missing when I thought of my family. A lot settles when you see things clearly in the present.

These excluded siblings were a combination of the twins that died in childbirth, the abortion my mother had before I was born and three step-siblings. Each one of these siblings had an impact on the system I was born in to. Each soul had a role and performed it perfectly, even and maybe especially the ‘evil’ sibling, mean and vindictive, who played that role exquisitely. I saw that being this type of player in life could not have been easy for him. I now feel more love and compassion for each and every one of my siblings.

This acceptance of my family has been profound for me. Another chunk of the iceberg falling off.

Of course everybody knows that Here is the place to be. We want to be Here, but we want to make it a better here which doesn’t exist Here.

In short, you can’t Be More Here Now- that’s impossible. This should be a big relief!

There’s no way out of having pain in life- these feelings ebb and flow like the tide. Or like the beautiful description a friend once gave me of depression. He could see the black cloud coming as it slowly moved over his head. It stayed for a while and then moved on. No need to struggle.

From left- my grandmother, 2 aunts and my mother. West Hollywood 1943

Thanks to Natalia Blagoeva for her artful facilitation. A Pandora’s Box was gently opened and a lot of conflicted grappling with my family was released. If you are interested in exploring her work, this link will provide some additional information:

https://www.nataliablagoeva.com/life-guidance

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