“Peculiar traveling suggestions are dancing lessons from God.” Kurt Vonnegut
Sometimes we are walking around like we are in chains when these chains have actually been gone for quite a while!
For me, one of the most powerful images that represents the Forest Dweller years, the time when we are called to fully digest the events of our lives, is a large iceberg. This iceberg has carried us up until now; solidly built on our beliefs, history, family stories, opinions.
Despite once feeling like I had some power over rearranging the iceberg to make my life “better”, in truth my experience is that big chunks of the iceberg seem to fall off on their own.
I’m melting!
When something that has been bothering you for a long time leaves, sometimes it is hard to remember what it was like to have it.
Or even to remember that you DID have it.
Things like anger at a particular person, a story that you are less than another, the overall feeling that there is something wrong with what is happening.
Sometimes we are walking around like we are in chains when our chains have actually been gone for quite a while!
This week I could finally see what has fallen off and that is the effort and energy to get better through therapy, coaching, group work- all the myriad things I have done (and done and done) in my life to improve. Up to this point, therapy had been a lifeline when I was desperate and really in need of being heard. Searching for grounding. And don’t get me wrong, I will always be so so grateful to the many that saw me through those times in my life.
When this realization hit, my first reaction was- well, I won’t be doing that anymore.
Haha.
What I now see is that I love learning and developing! I don’t have to be desperate- curiosity is enough. Immediately when I noticed this chunk had fallen off, I was drawn to doing a session with someone whose work I have found myself interested in exploring.
Learning for the joy of learning, not out of desperation. Following a peculiar traveling suggestion I would never have followed while the ice was solid. So much freedom in that!
Another thing I have noticed that has fallen off is agonizing before and after I go to a party. Last night I attended a neighbor’s birthday party. No big deal EXCEPT what has fallen off (to a large degree) is the pre-party mind chatter about how awful it will probably be and how can I get out of it. Of course, none of the things I pre-worry about ever happen! And I woke up this morning without any “Monday morning quarterbacking” about how my interactions at the party could have been better. I can almost hear the chunks falling!
I’ll end with another of my favorite Vonnegut quotes from his science fiction novel The Sirens of Titan. Here, he is talking about Harmoniums, small creatures who live in the caves of the planet Mercury.
“They have only two possible messages…..
‘The first is, ‘Here I am, here I am, here I am.’
The second is, ‘So glad you are, so glad you are, so glad you are.’ ”
My experience of substack!
So here I am and I am so glad you are here! Thank you for reading, liking, commenting.
Beautiful insights! My shared reflection here is that, knowing it is all unfolding perfectly and I am not the Doer...there is total acceptance...and then! Whatever wants to be explored, or not, like therapy and so forth...it's all fine. No problem, no expectations - even if it blows up... Who cares!? It's part of the adventure!
I love, too, the noticing of something missing. The memory of a conditioned response. This old habit, desire, issue - poof! Remember that? Vaguely. It's like a phantom amputated limb. That's how it is when I try to remember egoic identification 😂. Huh?! Oh, yeah! That!
Last, thank you so much for the Vonnegut and the Mercurial Harmoniums. Love that so much! Will read Sirens of Titan! "Here I am!" 💘
I loved every word of this 🙏🏼