The Ego’s Cherished Fiction:

“I am in control.”

Photo by Heidi

Part of the joy of being in my Forest Dweller years is the ability to take impromptu trips when I feel the call. Last week I jumped at the chance of traveling to welcome my new baby grandson into the world. As luck would have it, the situation provided me lots of time with the baby’s 2 year big sister, my granddaughter, Maia.

My mom told me once when I was a teenager that she really enjoyed her children more as we got older as she could have “real conversations” with us. I took on her predilection as my own. But my week with Maia turned out to be especially illuminating.

Psychoanalytic theory, especially Freudian theory, has it that the ego starts to develop somewhere between ages 2-3. For the sake of this post, I will use the Advaita Teacher Wayne Liquorman’s definition of ego- the false sense of authorship. This false sense arises for everyone at around this age.

Up until this point, young children are basically just responding to what is happening in the moment. I’m hungry, I cry. I see Mom, I smile. There doesn’t seem to be the thought ‘I wish I could go back to the womb,’ nor ‘I wonder what will happen at pre-school tomorrow.’

This false sense that I should be able to control and actually author what is happening starts to come in at around 2-1/2 years. This brings up a lot of frustration because at this point these children are constantly finding out they can’t command life!

The ego or false sense of authorship can’t really make anything happen, but it is great at telling stories about how powerful it is! At this extremely young age, we begin to feel that it is all up to us and we are in charge. Basically what moves in with the advent of the false sense of authorship is the illusion of control.

This illusion often persists until our death, but some people get lucky after decades of trying to make things go their way. They realize, as Ramesh Balsekar said so eloquently, “Life is not a stagnant pool, but running water that cannot be held in a bucket.” They begin to be more curious about what is happening than what they think they should be making happen.

This false sense of authorship does not seem to have appeared in Maia yet.

Now let’s talk about the ducks.

When I was little, I used to love feeding the ducks. I thought it would be a fun activity with Maia. We gathered our duck food and headed for the lake. When we arrived, right on cue, about 20 ducks and 2 mean Canadian geese showed up. Maia was in heaven. She was extremely serious about making sure each duck and goose got some food. Then she got down to some one-on-one relating with each duck. I think she would have loved to hug them.

Finally, seeing rain clouds on the horizon, I mentioned that we needed to go home. Oh, oh. HUGE meltdown, tears leaping out of her eyes and very loud screaming. She has no problem communicating her feelings! Finally I remembered to redirect her, something I learned in spades when I helped out at her daycare with 12 other 2 year olds. “What about if we say good-bye to each duck before we leave?” She immediately stopped crying and started the long goodbyes.

On the way home, Maia was in the back in her car seat and being very quiet. I asked her how she was doing. Silence. Hmm. Asked her again. Silence. Last ask- are you ok? I got a resounding.”I busy!” I am still laughing about that.

How often do I want to say ‘I busy!’ during the day when I am interrupted from something I am focusing on? Turns out it’s a lot. I plan to incorporate “I busy!’ as a legitimate communication when I want to be left alone to contemplate.

Maia also reminded me that I can be fully discomforted by an event in the moment, yet when that discomfort disappears, I don’t have to keep experiencing it. It’s gone!

The grip and weight of the ego’s demands can be so heavy at times; telling us what we could have, should have or would have if only we tried harder. My current favorite comment on the ego comes from Erin Reese. “Put your ego in the hammock and give it a Mojito,” or in my case a passion fruit mocktail!

PS Of course the ego came in strong while I was writing this post! Saying ‘What are you doing? Do better!’ I had to give it not only Mojitos, but weighted blankets, scented candles- the works!

As always, thank you for reading!

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