The Suffering in How Things Should Be

Photo by H Singfield

After writing about friendship and friending last week, many of my reflections lately have revolved around my husband. Maybe, not surprisingly, in part this is because he has been traveling. Being alone for a period of time is a great teacher!

Yesterday, I was complaining mentally about all the things he should have been doing for me while gone. For example, he told me he had a cold- he SHOULD be checking in every morning so I don’t worry about him. I told him a bad storm was expected in our area- he SHOULD be calling (hourly in an ideal world) to make sure I am OK. The list goes on, but you get the idea. A truly good husband would be doing all these things!

A crack appeared in this draining monologue during a walk yesterday- why don’t I try an experiment when I talk to him today and just be with who he is in the moment? I don’t have to buy into the role of being controller, judge and determiner of what a good husband should be! Whoa, this had way more to do with who I think I SHOULD be as a wife- making sure he does all these things in line with my pictures. It’s painful. Yuck!

I am so grateful for the Forest Dwelling time and space to allow myself to sort these things out.

Another impactful realization happened recently as we were moving out of the home where we had lived over the last 30 years. My husband and I had invited a group of friends and neighbors over for dinner to acknowledge them for all the years and history we shared. It was going really well! Twelve of us sat around the table holding hands as we let them know how much we appreciated all of them. The food was fantastic if I do say so myself.

Then as we moved to the living room after dessert-oh oh- someone started talking about the upcoming election. I had forgotten to have the conversation making sure my husband remembered not to talk about politics that evening! My husband has never been known for having weak opinions and we were quickly off to the races as his views were antithetical to most people there. Of course, I tried to no avail to jump in and deflect the conversation. Needless to say, most people left earlier than I had expected and I was seriously pissed off.

Now, here’s the interesting part. For once in my life I didn’t react. I had a strong sense that there was something I wasn’t seeing in myself. I didn’t attack him with an “If you ever do that again etc.” Slowly over a few days of uncharacteristically staying quiet about the whole incident, I realized with help from a mentor that is who he is- he’s a disrupter! That is what drew me to him in the first place. Where was I led to believe that disruption is bad? As a teacher once told me “What’s so great about peace?” (Warning- Peace is another sacred cow amongst many of us.)

So back to our call last night after my realization- I enjoyed talking to him so much! I didn’t have MY pictures blocking the view. My picture of myself as being someone who has to enforce how things SHOULD be. What a relief (to me AND to him)!

The Forest Dweller years can be a time of redesign, resulting in living less bound to expectations of both ourselves and others.

I am curious how your ideas of whom you or others should be play out in your life. Please comment if you can! I love writing and it is more fun when we both are doing it.

Thanks for reading!