The Tyranny of “Being of Service”
The Myth of Helping.
The Tyranny of “Being of Service”
The Myth of Helping
One of my sons was gifted a complete set of Mark Twain’s writing for his bar mitzvah. For some reason (maybe being my son) he focused, not on Huck Finn; but on a rather esoteric essay Twain wrote pointing out that people are driven by what makes them feel good, not necessarily by what is good for others.
My son was quite taken by this concept and as a parent who quite possibly repeated “To whom much has been given, much will be required” too often, I argued that life is about helping other people.
23 years later, I am coming to the same conclusion as Twain.
What has changed? First, the realization through a ton of therapy, Al-Anon and life that I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HELPS OTHER PEOPLE! Huh.
On the other hand, I get happiness out of doing things for people.
When I forget I don’t know what others need and try to get someone to change by providing what I think they need, things get messy.
These days I often return to the Alan Watts quote “Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.” This could be a slogan for the Forest Dweller years.
We will act, action is being alive. We will act in accordance with our genetic code and our conditioning. We suffer when we think we can impact the result.
I am designed to like doing things for people. Two people recently called me a kind person. I feel lucky to have that design.
I once volunteered to help one of my teachers raise money for scholarships to allow people who couldn’t afford it to attend classes. I was particularly bugged by someone who obviously had the financial ability to help, yet kept putting me off. When I asked my teacher about this he said, “Oh yeah, Charles just isn’t generous.” He said this with absolutely NO judgement, as if saying ‘Charles has brown eyes.” Big lesson!
These days I don’t perceive myself as a kind person nor do I have any more illusions that this is a better way to be.
There is liberation in letting go of how it is supposed to be.
The need to “be of service” feels like a huge sacred cow in our culture. I am curious how this lives for you. Thanks for reading and commenting if you feel so inspired!
Yes exactly! So freeing if we can let go all the obligation and the “have to”. The more I listen to my NOs, I notice the things underneath that I actually want to do. Surprisingly to me, also more energy to do them. It’s wonderful to have company in these realizations. Thanks for your comment!
Thank you for writing about this - these days, it feels more like an imposition vs something born out of our own nature. It's very liberating to finally accept that I am selfish, and I won't betray myself in the name of service.