“If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?” Rumi

Accepting your unwanted traits.

Photo by Alex Shuper on Unsplash

Mostly when I sit down to write, the topic that presents itself is one I don’t want to discuss publicly.

The last week I have a huge uptick in being irritated. Part of this may be the fact that I have had a 50% increase in people living with me-see one of my previous posts “Hell is Other People.”

The new person visiting in our house this week, one of my best and longest standing friends, loves to asks questions. The minute she starts; my heart contracts, my stomach feels a little queasy and I prepare to be the definition of irritated- “showing or feeling slight anger, annoyed.” I feel like I have to answer which throws me into my head- not a place I enjoy being. Equally irritating is I often don’t have the answer.

Let’s get this straight- I am not at all happy with being irritated. The people I am around the most are people I love and I am not skillful at hiding my irritation.

I am pretty sure that my years of therapy have divested me of the idea that I will ever truly understand WHY I am irritated. Yes, there are a ton of stories I have told; but the old adage that ‘if you want to go crazy, ask why’ rings true here. Even if I had the band-width to truly know all the reasons why I find myself irritated, I no longer believe that would help me to a more peaceful place about it.

I did try really, really hard. I remember a decade in my child-raising years of saying to myself when I woke up “Today I am not going to raise my voice nor be irritable.” I rose from bed with hope in my heart, walked downstairs and usually within a few minutes someone had done something that irritated me and my resolution was forgotten.

What got rubbed off in those years was the belief that I had to be different from how I am to raise my children. Somehow despite living with Irritated Heidi, all 5 kids turned out to be incredible human beings.

Another source of solace for me in this journey has been the Advaita teacher Nisargadatta Maharaj. Apparently he would get quite angry at the drop of a hat. Not what most people would consider a Sage’s action. The next moment he could be laughing loudly along with the person he yelled at. He didn’t appear to feel bad about his irritation, nor hold on to it beyond the moment.

As an old mentor of mine Richard Condon so wisely said in his Rules for Life- a very short book written before he passed away:

Chapter 1: You will suffer.

Chapter 2: The only way out is through.

Chapter 3: Chapter 2 is a lie.

Chapter 4: There is no way out.

Chapter 5: There is only through.

Damn. Now that soothes me more than anything. This is it and this is the way it is. Irritated Heidi. Accepting just how it is right now, if I can! Whether irritation arises or not is obviously not in my jurisdiction.

It has helped to be honest about it with my friend this week. She said, ‘Oh, it’s fine. I know you have always been easily irritated.”😬 So much for hiding it.

The polishing part seems to happen in the awareness of and receptivity to my irritation. I am not going to “invite my irritation to tea” any time soon, but might be ok with it hanging out on the couch every once in a while.

I also found at breakfast this morning some relief in just being able to listen to what my two housemates were talking about- irritation seems to depart when my attention is focused on another person. Again, if I can.

I am not making a rule of this, but I enjoyed the ease of not feeling I had to react!

The Forest Dweller years have brought less willingness or need to struggle- thank goodness.

Photo from Unsplash

I would love to hear what traits you have that you absolutely would rather not experience. Has this rubbing along with unwanted traits brought some polishing (or at least relief) into your life?

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