The End of Friendship
Friending in the Forest Dweller Years
“There is no relationship- only relating.” Erin Reese
The way I view friendship has definitely shifted in my Forest Dweller years. In my Householder years I felt that I needed a network of friends to provide safety and security. I made sure I was “connecting” with the parents of my children’s friends, the neighbors, employees, my yoga students - all on a carousel of activity assuring I stood out as a reliable and caring person.
A while ago, my teacher mentioned that there is no relationship, only relating. At first I was offended by this, but I began to see the only time ‘relationship’ can happen is in the present moment. And in that moment there is ONLY relating.
I say this with a glitch in my gut because much of my “life” ie my identity has been built around the importance of relationships. A ton of energy has gone into “maintaining relationships”. Now I am exploring that there are no friendships, only friending.
“The present moment is not between the future and the past, but is the constant timeless dimension, outside duration.” Ramesh Balsekar
There is a a tractor beam pull now to rest in this dimension. I find myself friending the least likely people at times and getting headaches when I attempt friending people who are an “obvious fit”, but really aren’t.
I have spent years, maybe decades, going to parties I didn’t want to go to, talking on the phone when I didn’t want to and trying to relate to people to whom I couldn’t relate.
I won’t lie- I still feel myself driven by what I should do as evidenced by a huge initiative to make rugelah cookies for all our neighbors over the holidays. For those of you who don’t know, these are tiny croissant-like rolls that take a ton of time to make. When I arrived at each neighbors to distribute them, I thought “What the hell am I doing? This isn’t me at all anymore.”
Are you thinking “I wonder if she has any friends?” I do! But the people I have had to work at being with or change myself for have fallen away. I just no longer want to try to make things different from the way they are.
I feel like friendship is a complex topic and I would love to hear your comments and insights about how friendship shows up in your life.
Thank you for reading and for your comments.
FRIENDSHIP and friending. Another excellent topic you're exploring, Heidi! I love it.
I've *just* posted a Substack audio for the New Moon in Aquarius (erinreese.substack, of course) that discusses withdrawing the projection of the ideal, and dealing with people as individuals. This would include friends, as well as our image of ourselves as a friend. It's hard work - that's the main thing I've noticed - both to unwind the conditioning around who and what we should like; who and what we should tend to and respond to; and who and what should be good for us.
I'll also add that it's hard work to BE unwound from the conditioning. Even if "we" aren't doing the detachment and unwinding, when the old forms and identifications are dissolving and falling away, there can be symptoms - grief, loss, anger, decay, disruption - and even when we know there is no other way but through, we still have to experience the change.
I laud anyone who consciously addresses the Friendship topic. It is often shied away from, or glossed over. Thank you.
I loved this piece of writing and enjoyed reading the comments. I think I’ll look at Erin’s post too. I’ve been withdrawing from friendships for several years after being such an active community builder and putting so much energy into school parents and yoga communities. I got burnt out, my kid became a young adult and the sands shifted into a new and uncomfortable (unfamiliar) life phase. I think I started by very simply not offering anything about myself in a conversation and noticing whether that person I was speaking with actually noticed. Over time I realised how much energy I was saving by being a listener more than a talker. From there I think I just became tired of listening to people who didn’t reciprocate genuine interest in me. So I’d tap out pretty early in the interaction. As a result my friend group narrowed to a precious few. As can happen, the narrowing also created depth in the friendships remaining. Quality/quantity? But wait, there’s more - with that change I have also grieved losing a third place (outside home & work places). A place that feels purposeful, somewhere juicy to keep the creative fires burning and to express myself, to be curious and to feel excited about being part of something greater than myself.