FRIENDSHIP and friending. Another excellent topic you're exploring, Heidi! I love it.
I've *just* posted a Substack audio for the New Moon in Aquarius (erinreese.substack, of course) that discusses withdrawing the projection of the ideal, and dealing with people as individuals. This would include friends, as well as our image of ourselves as a friend. It's hard work - that's the main thing I've noticed - both to unwind the conditioning around who and what we should like; who and what we should tend to and respond to; and who and what should be good for us.
I'll also add that it's hard work to BE unwound from the conditioning. Even if "we" aren't doing the detachment and unwinding, when the old forms and identifications are dissolving and falling away, there can be symptoms - grief, loss, anger, decay, disruption - and even when we know there is no other way but through, we still have to experience the change.
I laud anyone who consciously addresses the Friendship topic. It is often shied away from, or glossed over. Thank you.
Wow- the being HARD, I appreciate your saying that. This was a really difficult post.
I love “who and what we should like; who and what we should tend to and respond to; and who and what should be good for us.” I think we know the answers intuitively, but it can feel heartbreaking to see what is truly right for us. And often so outside the cultural norm that it can feel terrifying at times.
I find that I need LOTS of quiet time to digest what’s happening. Thanks also for the reminder of the symptoms that come along in this process!
I am putting your Substack post below in case people want to hear more as I think it brings more clarity to this topic.
I loved this piece of writing and enjoyed reading the comments. I think I’ll look at Erin’s post too. I’ve been withdrawing from friendships for several years after being such an active community builder and putting so much energy into school parents and yoga communities. I got burnt out, my kid became a young adult and the sands shifted into a new and uncomfortable (unfamiliar) life phase. I think I started by very simply not offering anything about myself in a conversation and noticing whether that person I was speaking with actually noticed. Over time I realised how much energy I was saving by being a listener more than a talker. From there I think I just became tired of listening to people who didn’t reciprocate genuine interest in me. So I’d tap out pretty early in the interaction. As a result my friend group narrowed to a precious few. As can happen, the narrowing also created depth in the friendships remaining. Quality/quantity? But wait, there’s more - with that change I have also grieved losing a third place (outside home & work places). A place that feels purposeful, somewhere juicy to keep the creative fires burning and to express myself, to be curious and to feel excited about being part of something greater than myself.
Thank you so much for these beautiful, thoughtful comments. We share a lot in that we both spent much of our adult lives as part of larger communities. It is hard when we find ourselves no longer on a known path!
I love the way you handled this- really looking to see what was happening. It is shocking when you realize that people aren’t asking anything about your own life. And you are right- it gets to be super draining!
As I age, I am noticing I have became more sensitive. I need A LOT of quiet time. Erin’s latest post goes in to this and I have included a link below.
I am lucky in that I have 3 close friends. I have known all of them for decades. But no one living near me. I have worked on sorting out what media is telling me about what I need to do socially (yoga, Pilates, pickleball, book club, beach night, master gardeners) versus what I really enjoy doing (growing tomato starts for the senior center, walking with my introverted and hilarious neighbor once/week). My standard is if it isn’t as good as sitting on the couch reading with my dog, I probably won’t do it.
I am so curious to hear from you how this inquiry goes! Please let us know.
I will say substack has been a great inspiration as I feel like I am ‘meeting’ so many people that are in the same conversation I have found myself having.
Thanks for this Heidi as I have been grappling with certain friendships in my life. I am drawn as a person to relate and be social. Which brings me people that want to be with me, but aren’t necessarily right for me to relate to for long periods I have one relationship in particular I do not want. But it won’t go away. I give in through what I think I should be, kind, loving, etc. I guess where is the line? How do we grow if we only relate or have relations with who we think we should relate too?
Yes, I feel like you are definitely delineating the struggle! What I have come to terms with is that if there is “ a relationship I do not want”, that is a relationship that is not good for me. Of course, there are sometimes relationships we don’t want for short periods of time when we are angry at someone; but I find when a relationship continues over time to annoy and upset me, it is time to step back a bit and take care of myself. Yes, we may not be seen as nice people at that point- this ‘nice’ designation needs to be given up if we are more interested in honesty with ourselves.
I am glad you are grappling with these questions and not smoothing things over which can feel easier in the moment. Thank you for jumping in to the conversation!
This is food for thought! I have many kinds of friendships some reciprocal some one way. Some for a time, a season, an old me, a new me a yet to be me or them! I need to think on this to respond any deeper. I love hearing about where you are and what you are contemplating. I feel like I'm on the outside of the Forest but really enjoy walking there...
Thank you for your comments, Catherine. When I first found myself Forest Dwelling; friendships were one place I could look to see where I was being false, where I was enamored by peoples’ outer trappings (their degrees, their history, professions etc.) I started to stop trying so hard to resonate with everyone, slow down and be honest about what I felt with people. Still in this process. Glad you are taking some walks here!
FRIENDSHIP and friending. Another excellent topic you're exploring, Heidi! I love it.
I've *just* posted a Substack audio for the New Moon in Aquarius (erinreese.substack, of course) that discusses withdrawing the projection of the ideal, and dealing with people as individuals. This would include friends, as well as our image of ourselves as a friend. It's hard work - that's the main thing I've noticed - both to unwind the conditioning around who and what we should like; who and what we should tend to and respond to; and who and what should be good for us.
I'll also add that it's hard work to BE unwound from the conditioning. Even if "we" aren't doing the detachment and unwinding, when the old forms and identifications are dissolving and falling away, there can be symptoms - grief, loss, anger, decay, disruption - and even when we know there is no other way but through, we still have to experience the change.
I laud anyone who consciously addresses the Friendship topic. It is often shied away from, or glossed over. Thank you.
Erin, thank you so much for this!
Wow- the being HARD, I appreciate your saying that. This was a really difficult post.
I love “who and what we should like; who and what we should tend to and respond to; and who and what should be good for us.” I think we know the answers intuitively, but it can feel heartbreaking to see what is truly right for us. And often so outside the cultural norm that it can feel terrifying at times.
I find that I need LOTS of quiet time to digest what’s happening. Thanks also for the reminder of the symptoms that come along in this process!
I am putting your Substack post below in case people want to hear more as I think it brings more clarity to this topic.
https://open.substack.com/pub/erinreese/p/new-moon-in-aquarius-withdraw-the?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email
I loved this piece of writing and enjoyed reading the comments. I think I’ll look at Erin’s post too. I’ve been withdrawing from friendships for several years after being such an active community builder and putting so much energy into school parents and yoga communities. I got burnt out, my kid became a young adult and the sands shifted into a new and uncomfortable (unfamiliar) life phase. I think I started by very simply not offering anything about myself in a conversation and noticing whether that person I was speaking with actually noticed. Over time I realised how much energy I was saving by being a listener more than a talker. From there I think I just became tired of listening to people who didn’t reciprocate genuine interest in me. So I’d tap out pretty early in the interaction. As a result my friend group narrowed to a precious few. As can happen, the narrowing also created depth in the friendships remaining. Quality/quantity? But wait, there’s more - with that change I have also grieved losing a third place (outside home & work places). A place that feels purposeful, somewhere juicy to keep the creative fires burning and to express myself, to be curious and to feel excited about being part of something greater than myself.
Persephone-
Thank you so much for these beautiful, thoughtful comments. We share a lot in that we both spent much of our adult lives as part of larger communities. It is hard when we find ourselves no longer on a known path!
I love the way you handled this- really looking to see what was happening. It is shocking when you realize that people aren’t asking anything about your own life. And you are right- it gets to be super draining!
As I age, I am noticing I have became more sensitive. I need A LOT of quiet time. Erin’s latest post goes in to this and I have included a link below.
I am lucky in that I have 3 close friends. I have known all of them for decades. But no one living near me. I have worked on sorting out what media is telling me about what I need to do socially (yoga, Pilates, pickleball, book club, beach night, master gardeners) versus what I really enjoy doing (growing tomato starts for the senior center, walking with my introverted and hilarious neighbor once/week). My standard is if it isn’t as good as sitting on the couch reading with my dog, I probably won’t do it.
I am so curious to hear from you how this inquiry goes! Please let us know.
I will say substack has been a great inspiration as I feel like I am ‘meeting’ so many people that are in the same conversation I have found myself having.
Here’s Erins link.
❤️
https://open.substack.com/pub/erinreese/p/new-moon-in-pisces-wtf-is-happening?r=qsl4y&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Thanks for this Heidi as I have been grappling with certain friendships in my life. I am drawn as a person to relate and be social. Which brings me people that want to be with me, but aren’t necessarily right for me to relate to for long periods I have one relationship in particular I do not want. But it won’t go away. I give in through what I think I should be, kind, loving, etc. I guess where is the line? How do we grow if we only relate or have relations with who we think we should relate too?
Yes, I feel like you are definitely delineating the struggle! What I have come to terms with is that if there is “ a relationship I do not want”, that is a relationship that is not good for me. Of course, there are sometimes relationships we don’t want for short periods of time when we are angry at someone; but I find when a relationship continues over time to annoy and upset me, it is time to step back a bit and take care of myself. Yes, we may not be seen as nice people at that point- this ‘nice’ designation needs to be given up if we are more interested in honesty with ourselves.
I am glad you are grappling with these questions and not smoothing things over which can feel easier in the moment. Thank you for jumping in to the conversation!
This is food for thought! I have many kinds of friendships some reciprocal some one way. Some for a time, a season, an old me, a new me a yet to be me or them! I need to think on this to respond any deeper. I love hearing about where you are and what you are contemplating. I feel like I'm on the outside of the Forest but really enjoy walking there...
Thank you for your comments, Catherine. When I first found myself Forest Dwelling; friendships were one place I could look to see where I was being false, where I was enamored by peoples’ outer trappings (their degrees, their history, professions etc.) I started to stop trying so hard to resonate with everyone, slow down and be honest about what I felt with people. Still in this process. Glad you are taking some walks here!