The Hermit and the Extravert
What’s good for me is good for everyone.
When I started my substack, I set out to write about the Forest Dweller years, a time for giving myself space to digest and honestly come to terms with who I am. Most of us who have been seekers understand that our individual messy and dramatic lives, either in the past or present, are not ONLY who we are. As Pema Chodron said so beautifully “You are the sky, everything else is just weather.”
Yet….. our bodies must live in the weather, we have preferences and reactions based on those preferences.
There are surprises in the Forest and one of my biggest was how much I need to have quiet. When people ask me why I moved to Hawaii I seldom talk about the ocean nor the weather. I talk about the quiet! And I don’t feel drawn to be with more than one or two friends at a time. Accepting that this is the way I turned out- for now, of course- has been huge for me.
So, let’s talk about introverts being married to extraverts. I did a little research on this and found some of the advice seemed to circle the “grin and bear it” camp. Go to the party to support your spouse, but it’s OK you can just sit in the corner quietly and cheer them on.
Growing up in the 1950s meant you either faked being an extravert or you were a weirdo. Faking seemed the safest and most socially acceptable way to go and that carried on well into my 60s.
My husband is the kind of guy who never leaves a party with anyone saying “Now who was Norm again?” He is vivacious, friendly, vocal and opinionated. Also often the last to leave.
We met in a cult with an abusive leader where “radical communication” was the ideal. A complete disruption of living “normally”, and pretty hellish overall. When it folded, we both felt the need to stabilize the best we could. For our first decades together my fake extraverting continued- it was just easier.
Most of us have heard that the difference between introverts and extraverts is that extraverts get more energy being with groups of people and introverts get more energy from being with one or perhaps two people at a time. The corollary here is that introverts can be quite drained from being with large groups and extraverts seem to flounder with too little social interaction.
Clearly everyone is some mix of both. Except for me who apparently is all hermit- or at least this is how it often feels.
At this point I am stating for the record that my excellent and patient resident proof reader, aka my husband, asked me to let you know he is not “that much of an extravert”** which I am now doing.
As I moved into the Forest, I began to get a bird’s eye view of all the unnecessary things I thought I needed to do to be a good partner- making sure we had enough social events scheduled so that my extravert was getting out and about.. It seldom, if ever, occurred to me that it would be OK to support him doing what he needed while I got what I needed, separately.
This line of thought came to fruition over the last winter holiday season where I attended exactly zero parties while my husband accepted every invitation.
This was hard at first.
Some people asked my husband if I even existed! He took to telling people “Heidi is a writer”. They would nod sagely like they knew what that meant and move on😂
Every horoscope, reading or any kind of forecast for me in the last eight years has ALWAYS mentioned solitude, quiet, being a hermit. At times this has irritated me greatly. When will this end? Well, maybe it won’t.
One enormously important pointer given to me by one of my mentors is that “What is good for you is good for everyone.” I have found this to be true for me. What works for me is having a husband who has the space to connect with people AND what also works for me is having the contemplative time that I need.
I love this pointer as it eats away at the shoulds of our cultural norms. It makes you look at what really is good for you, how it impacts others if you have the courage to do what is best for you and finally it helps you to see how debilitating it can be when you leave yourself out of the equation.
Thank you so much for reading and for your comments! I have now been writing on substack weekly for over 6 months and your support keeps me doing something that I love!🙏
** He totally is!
Interesting. I used alcohol, thinking that would burst me through my self consciousness, and it did. However that “me” wasn’t real. The gift of creativity pushed me into the spotlight of theatre, of countywide presentations on various subjects, and women's groups. However, I seldom felt comfortable being in the spotlight. It carried a sense of responsibility with it , and an Inner circling around fear and lack. Food for the soul work.
Now I enjoy the silence, the openness, the inner connection of living alone, partnering with the ability to meet with a few dear friends to connect, to share, laugh and play.
Perhaps I’m a midvert
Haha! Also married to an extrovert who fancies himself and introvert, but is totally not! Well, he's coming to terms with it now that he understands what introversion *really* demands!
I love your "grin and bear it" dilemma. Yes, what works for us is me staying home more and letting the husband do all the things. And, when I do go out, I sincerely enjoy it!
Thank you for broaching a very important topic, Heidi.