“There’s No End to Self Improvement

and no such thing as perfection.” Todd Haydon

Photo by H. Singfield

Most of my life, I have been the targeted audience for any kind of self improvement. I sat in rooms for thousands and thousands of hours looking for what would make me perfect. I would need to write a book to review all the various diets and dietary supplements I have taken over the years. I remember one particularly noxious one that tasted like fake cherry syrup. And one I think was ONLY papaya and the seeds for two weeks!

And this is the lighter side of self-improvement. There have also been myriad “teachers” who have told me everything from “you need to leave your kids” to “you need to be-or not be- in a relationship with a certain person”. All in all in my earlier years I was pretty much the poster child for the ideal cult member.

A therapist once told me I should NEVER read any article that starts with “The 10 Things You Can Do to ………….” I have been rigorously and consistently committed to making myself better.

The Forest Dweller years have given me some space from this, but I am sometimes surprised at how hard this mind set is to dissolve.

The other day I was discussing a minor issue with my husband and I ending up yelling. This is more common than I would like to admit. I don’t like yelling and I don’t like how it feels and I don’t like how it makes my husband feel. My mind started up with “What can I do to fix this?”

But here is what I am learning- I can’t fix it. There just isn’t a formula to fix everything I don’t like- about myself or others. The best that can happen is I can notice it and sometimes it clears up on its own.

I am going to digress a bit for a minute and talk about the Hindu/yogic idea of samskaras. In simple terms, samskaras could be defined as default behavioral characteristics that exist from birth. Deeply ingrained habits that become stronger over time- or when they are resisted. The resistance I have to these defaults is what I am talking about. The resistance I have to them is what is sticky, not the defaults themselves. One might say negative attachment, but attachment all the same.

Last story- many years ago I was in therapy to try to save a relationship. Every week I diligently went to my session and came away with a list of things I could do to make my relationship work. Every week I went and checked off the items on the list. And every week I returned to the therapist with no progress made in transforming the relationship.

It took me a long time to realize trying isn’t it!

For a while now, this Al-Anon adage seems to apply to most of my life: “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.”

So, we will see what happens with my yelling now. I would say that being aware of things does seem to sometimes help, but please don’t put that on your to do list!

I appreciate your likes or comments on this topic if you are drawn to join in. I love the feedback and continued clarification you bring- Thank you for reading!